here is a thing that is a problem for me. i don't want to think about what i eat ever again. it's making me so unhappy. that's all good and stuff, yes, i want to do that, it'll be nice and i can be okay and things, yeah. but it's not possible around declan. half of what he says is related to controlling food. i would never bring that kind of thing up with someone else i knew had an eating thing. it's not fair. i feel like this a competition and i can't handle it, i promised myself i'd have at least a few meals a day, even if they're small, but he kind of makes me feel ashamed for wanting to stop the stupid counting calories, one meal every two days thing and it's hard enough as it is and it's too much with him around. i can't handle it at all, i'm starting to resent him a lot for it, and that's not cool because i don't want anyone to feel bad i just want to stop and i want him to stop and i just want to be fucking happy and i don't know how to be. and that's the story.

hah, mm, maybe everything actually is a little shit and i'm not a very good person. but at least i removed my nail polish. yeah, okay, productivity.