i'm sad that you don't love yourself

as much as i love you now

i never knew my own longing

until the first time you kissed my neck

you make love to me

like i'm better than the worst thing i ever did

when you hold my face

and cry against my shoulder

i hold you

and cry against yours

you kissed my nose instead

and you laughed

and covered my face

when i laughed too

part of me is you now

one hand on my chest

when you're on top of me

or your smile

when i'm watching the way you move

you make me feel good now

and i don't know anything else

you fall asleep first

and i trace your spine with my finger 

then invisible circles

all over your back

i want to impress you

but i know i don't need to

that's the best kind of thing

you're the best kind of thing

this is how i'll feel

whether you're with me

or not

because i don't even remember now

that anyone but you 

ever held my hand

here is a thing that is a problem for me. i don't want to think about what i eat ever again. it's making me so unhappy. that's all good and stuff, yes, i want to do that, it'll be nice and i can be okay and things, yeah. but it's not possible around declan. half of what he says is related to controlling food. i would never bring that kind of thing up with someone else i knew had an eating thing. it's not fair. i feel like this a competition and i can't handle it, i promised myself i'd have at least a few meals a day, even if they're small, but he kind of makes me feel ashamed for wanting to stop the stupid counting calories, one meal every two days thing and it's hard enough as it is and it's too much with him around. i can't handle it at all, i'm starting to resent him a lot for it, and that's not cool because i don't want anyone to feel bad i just want to stop and i want him to stop and i just want to be fucking happy and i don't know how to be. and that's the story.

hah, mm, maybe everything actually is a little shit and i'm not a very good person. but at least i removed my nail polish. yeah, okay, productivity.

I'm up well early to meet Hamish in Bathurst. It is... Maybe a little boring. I didn't even bring a scarf. And now I think of it, I'd probably have had time to get a coffee. Also I thought I was gonna miss the bus so I ran, wondering why no one else was doing the same and it wasn't even the right bus and now I'm embarrassed and too ashamed to go back into the waiting room.

Maybe everyone will be interested to know that I also missed that train because it arrived 5 minutes early. Obviously I couldn't be bothered to run but I was still suitably disappointed. I'm pretty bored of most things now. I guess have a really strict diet gives me control and something to do. That's pretty good, anyway I have to stick to it now that I've promised myself I won't purge or cut and if I accidentally eat something and I can't physically hurt myself I'll just be all like 'aw this sucks I'm so horrible why do I do this blah blah' and everyone will get sick of me. Especially me. I just don't wanna be that guy. I'm so not in the mood for thing right now. I have to be a maaan though.

My new meal plan is beautiful and everyone is impressed with me especially kitti she's always going on about it. I'll be 45 in three weeks if I do this properly.
What else is happening... Ah, I missed my train... And I have to get the next one. That's pretty much all that's happened in the last few months. I'm on the pill now so rather than worry why I'm late I'll just pretend I don't have it at all heh heh heh. It'll go away soon anyway.
I got a little message from Dylan and he made me feel bad also I think I agreed to get coffee with him, I can probably just plead idiot when I forget to show up. No that would be mean and he's okay. I owe him money from that time I left the cafe early and he had to pay for everything anyway aw I feel heaps bad okay it's settled. Aw man, I have to walk to the station in like 6 minutes this is bullshit. I feel really lonely this morning. I don't know why. Even lonelier than you ordinarily would be waking up at 5am and walking through the rain to get to an almost deserted station where one man stands with a cigarette dangling from his mouth and the ticket machine isn't giving change and a truck drives past and the fat controller hasn't arrived yet and the train is delayed my 24 minutes and you sit on the steps and drink a black coffee and it's freezing cold even though its justt the fourth day of autumn and that's all pretty lonely so yeah.

There was that November

When nothing was hard

You lay on the concrete

No you sat on the car

And ash fell from the sky

And sat in your hair

Your veins were inked

Into your skin

And your bones were sharp and delicate

And the sheets stayed on the floor

And the radio never turned off

You lay on the bed

No you sat on the bed

No you sat on the ground

And it was fine and it was cold

You took a knife

And you cut your hair short

And it bounced on your shoulders

Whenever you moved


Then the next November

You sat at the end

Of your bed with your legs crossed

And your hair was longer

But it never bounced

And your sheets stayed on the floor

And the radio never turned off

And your head was full

Of voices you didn't recognise

And you would jump when you heard

The kids next door laughing

Your veins were inked

into your skin

You took a knife

And you cut into your wrist

And your heart didn't beat any faster

Like it used to

And you went to sleep only to feel

Those few seconds

Where you forget what is wrong

When you wake